im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
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