we have pet lesbian snakes
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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