Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
