Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize