Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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