I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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