he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
