just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Randomize
