You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
