one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
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