Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
