I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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