Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
