sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
