I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
