we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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