Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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