I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
