My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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