my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
