Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
