the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You may now shotgun with the bride
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
