You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
