i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
How external is "for external use only"?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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