Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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