he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize