he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
