She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
