A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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