It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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