Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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