office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
even my farts smell like vagina
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
