there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
