There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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