FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
