She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
did i walk over a car last night?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
