Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
