At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
