it wasn't lemon gatorade
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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