God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
