It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
