and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
