I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
