i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
