She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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