I smell stomach acid.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
