I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We are two peas in an std pod
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
this is an emotional support booty call
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
