Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
