yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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