I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
