Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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