Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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