home. puking in laundry basket.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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