So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
