Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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