it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
