It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
