my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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