I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize