just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Found your dick twin last night
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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