The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
