hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
