four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
My feet surprised me
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
