so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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