shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
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